What I got for Christmas
A couple wants to have a quickie but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what’s going on in the neighbourhood while they do their thing.
He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. “Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog.” he said. “Oh! And the Alans are moving out.” he exclaimed. “Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex.”
The couple stops dead. “How do you know the Johnsons are making love?” said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, “Because their kid is out on the balcony.”
My donation cheque to “Children in Need”
The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
An engineer, mathematician, and a statistician are out hunting with bows and arrows in the woods when they spot a deer. Deciding that they don’t want to scare the deer off by all attacking at once, they decide to take turns.
The mathematician goes first; he estimates the distance and the velocity of the arrow, fires at the correct angle, and falls short by 10 feet because of air resistance and mass.
Then the engineer; he considers the wind resistance, mass of the arrow, movement of the target, and fires the arrow, but lands 10 feet too far because of an incorrect calculation.
The statistician, ecstatic, jumps in the air and exclaims “WE GOT HIM!”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
- Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
- A: An offer you can't understand.
Roger is buying his cousin’s used motorcycle.
He says, “My God, it’s so shiny! It’s like new! What’s your secret?”
His cousin says, “Well, any time it’s about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won’t tarnish. In fact, I won’t be needing this any longer, take my tube.”
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents’ house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she’s getting on the bike behind him, she says, “Listen, I have to tell you something. My family is a little strange. You can’t talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes.
“When they walk into her parents’ house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty
dishes. They haven’t done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It’s the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing. He’s still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, “What the hell?” He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.
He’s just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it’s starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, “All right, all right, I’ll do the fucking dishes.”
A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, “Hi! I’m here to see the doctor!”
In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, “Miss, this is a library.”
The blonde lowers her voice and says, “Oh sorry!”, then whispers, “I’m here to see the doctor.”
