Three women are discussing how their memory isn’t what it used to be.

The first woman says, “Sometimes, I’m in the elevator, and I don’t remember if I’m going up or down.”

The second woman says, “Sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don’t remember if I’m taking it out of the fridge or putting it back.”

The third woman says, “Well, I don’t have any of those problems, knock wood,” knocking on the table.
“Oh, hold on a second, someone’s at the door.”

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

A drunkard is going through the daily motions at his local bar. He orders a shot of whiskey and downs it in one gulp. He then turns to a table in the corner, where three large, intimidating brutes are discussing motorcycles and mustaches, or what have you. The drunkard points out one of the three gentlemen and exclaims, “Hey, you! I fucked your mother last night!”

The man looks up from his conversation with a slightly peeved look on his face, but lets the comment slide and goes back to his chat. The drunkard orders up another shot of whiskey, downs it and singles out the second guy. “You! I pounded your mother from behind last night for hours, and she loved every second of it!”

The man moves to get up out of his seat and confront the drunkard, but the other two men hold him back. Eventually he grunts and sits back at his table. The drunkard has one more shot and turns to the third man. “Hey, you! I rode your mother like a bull last night! Then I hit it from the back! Then we sixty nined! And I video taped the whole damn thing so that whore can never deny it!”

Finally, the three men, having had enough, get up from their table, walk over to the drunkard, pick him up by the shoulders and say: “I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink, dad. It’s time to go home.”

What’s the difference between Light and Hard?

It’s easier to fall sleep with a light on.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilised world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

What I got for Christmas

A couple wants to have a quickie but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what’s going on in the neighbourhood while they do their thing.

He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. “Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog.” he said. “Oh! And the Alans are moving out.” he exclaimed. “Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex.”

The couple stops dead. “How do you know the Johnsons are making love?” said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, “Because their kid is out on the balcony.”

My donation cheque to “Children in Need”

The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

An engineer, mathematician, and a statistician are out hunting with bows and arrows in the woods when they spot a deer. Deciding that they don’t want to scare the deer off by all attacking at once, they decide to take turns.

The mathematician goes first; he estimates the distance and the velocity of the arrow, fires at the correct angle, and falls short by 10 feet because of air resistance and mass.

Then the engineer; he considers the wind resistance, mass of the arrow, movement of the target, and fires the arrow, but lands 10 feet too far because of an incorrect calculation.

The statistician, ecstatic, jumps in the air and exclaims “WE GOT HIM!”